Some people consider it insane to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Some people love that thrill and consciously choose to do so. We would not accept someone pushing a person out of an airplane–parachute or not–if they did not want to skydive, but as a society we allow for adults to make those sorts of decisions for themselves. The same difference applies when discussing the difference between sexual abuse and a BDSM relationship–making a conscious choice and consenting to the exchange of power.
NotThat addressed the issue of consent at length in a recent Sexpective Power Exchange podcast. Consent is the foundation on which BDSM is built. To be fair, many of the activities that BDSM partners engage in would be considered “abuse” by an external viewer–especially someone who is “vanilla” and lacks the context of the BDSM power exchange. What separates it from abuse is the fact that the people engaged in those activities have negotiated up front what is acceptable and what is not, and consent has been granted and accepted for those activities to occur.
When individuals in a BDSM relationship negotiate consent, they do so based on respect and trust. The submissive knows that the dominant will respect the agreed upon limits, and that consent can be withdrawn at any point in time. The dominant understands the responsibility for the safety and well-being–physically and mentally–of the submissive and ensures that the activities are enjoyable and fulfilling for both parties.
Abuse is an arbitrary, one-sided theft of power. It is not negotiated. With abuse there is no trust or respect, and the individual on the receiving end of the abuse is harmed–in both body and spirit.
I’ll provide a real-life anecdote as an example. A number of like-minded adults gathered at a home for a BDSM lifestyle party. They were alarmed when a number of police cars showed up–lights flashing, and relieved to discover that the police were actually called to the neighboring house. As it turns out, the police were responding to a domestic abuse call. The irony is that there was very likely much worse activity going on throughout the house hosting the BDSM party. The difference is that the people attending the party agreed to those activities, while the spouse in the domestic abuse incident assumedly did not.
Granted, there are certainly those in the BDSM community who do not fully grasp the differences. There are, unfortunately, individuals who are either predatory in nature–or just naïve–who believe that being the dominant comes with unfettered authority. It’s important to watch out for these people–either to educate them about proper consent and power exchange, or avoid them entirely.
NotThat addressed the issue of consent at length in a recent Sexpective Power Exchange podcast. Consent is the foundation on which BDSM is built. To be fair, many of the activities that BDSM partners engage in would be considered “abuse” by an external viewer–especially someone who is “vanilla” and lacks the context of the BDSM power exchange. What separates it from abuse is the fact that the people engaged in those activities have negotiated up front what is acceptable and what is not, and consent has been granted and accepted for those activities to occur.
When individuals in a BDSM relationship negotiate consent, they do so based on respect and trust. The submissive knows that the dominant will respect the agreed upon limits, and that consent can be withdrawn at any point in time. The dominant understands the responsibility for the safety and well-being–physically and mentally–of the submissive and ensures that the activities are enjoyable and fulfilling for both parties.
Abuse is an arbitrary, one-sided theft of power. It is not negotiated. With abuse there is no trust or respect, and the individual on the receiving end of the abuse is harmed–in both body and spirit.
I’ll provide a real-life anecdote as an example. A number of like-minded adults gathered at a home for a BDSM lifestyle party. They were alarmed when a number of police cars showed up–lights flashing, and relieved to discover that the police were actually called to the neighboring house. As it turns out, the police were responding to a domestic abuse call. The irony is that there was very likely much worse activity going on throughout the house hosting the BDSM party. The difference is that the people attending the party agreed to those activities, while the spouse in the domestic abuse incident assumedly did not.
Granted, there are certainly those in the BDSM community who do not fully grasp the differences. There are, unfortunately, individuals who are either predatory in nature–or just naïve–who believe that being the dominant comes with unfettered authority. It’s important to watch out for these people–either to educate them about proper consent and power exchange, or avoid them entirely.
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