I recently became interested in BDSM and the kink lifestyle. I discovered Fetlife.com and I was able to find people and groups in my area that seem to share my interests. There is a local group meeting this week and I would like to go and meet people, but what do I do if I show up and run into somebody I know?
Signed,
Worried
Dear Worried,
It’s natural, when exploring a new part of yourself, to feel apprehension about being “outed”. Even for the most experienced amongst us, there are real-life implications to consider before becoming public: job security, impact on family members, church reaction to name just a few. When attending an event for the first time, it’s understandable that these relationships and the fallout of a vanilla world reacting to your kink lifestyle can be on the forefront of your mind.
But attending a lifestyle event isn’t akin to going public, as much as it might very much feel that way. The event that you attend will only be attended by others curious about or participating in the lifestyle. If you happen to run into someone you know, you now have a shared experience – nothing more! It is extremely likely that this person is no more public than you are and worries just as much about the implications of running into you! Just keeping this in mind is often enough to ease any concerns.
Prior to finding your confidence and comfort with the lifestyle, it’s also common to struggle with feelings of guilt or embarrassment. Repeat after me: there is nothing wrong, illegal or improper about the kink lifestyle. You will meet teachers and police officers and doctors and lawyers and stay-at-home moms and grandparents and every walk of life in between. There is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed about seeking out like-minded individuals from which to share and learn, even if one happens to be someone from your vanilla world. This may seem easier to say than do, but fake it until you make it and you might be surprised at how quickly your own feelings of self-acceptance follow!
However, it doesn’t hurt to have a response handy if you happen upon this unlikely scenario. Having a plan in place as you enter a new and unknown experience can help calm nerves. Naming the “elephant in the room” can go a long way toward reassuring all parties that you are on the same page. Simply stating “I’m just beginning to explore this lifestyle and hope to keep separate my regular life and this part of my life at this time. I hope you understand.” is all it should take to convey your concern while reassuring your acquaintance that you respect their anonymity as well.
Have fun!
Scarlet
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