One man and one woman. In the bedroom. Lights off. Missionary position.
That is about as straight and ordinary as you can get when it comes to sex and sexuality, but it’s just one way. Maybe that way doesn’t work for you. Maybe it works for you today, but isn’t what you’re in the mood for tomorrow.
The great thing about sex–if you’re open minded and daring enough–is that there is no “right way”. There’s really just a “right way for you…right now”. The question is, how do you figure out what that is, especially if you’ve allowed your true passions and desires to be repressed by societal norms and expectations?
I hope you aren’t expecting a straight answer. I don’t have any sort of “Just follow these 5 steps to break down your walls and find your sexual freedom.” Sorry.
I can share a little of my own journey. To make a long story short (Perhaps the full story can be another post on another day), my wife was the catalyst to my own sexual discovery. She read the 50 Shades books and moved on to darker and more intimate fiction. She has a friend who had already embraced a BDSM lifestyle and shared every detail with her. She ventured onto Fetlife.com and found a whole new world to explore.
All of that happened before she shared any of it with me, and the invitation was less of an invitation and more of a “I have discovered that there are things I want and things I need that you aren’t giving me–and I have found someplace I can go to have those needs met.” She had not cheated on me. She wasn’t even looking to cheat on me. She was simply being honest about her needs–and bringing that to my attention before acting on it…setting aside the voyeuristic exploration she had done up to that point.
I have to admit, the initial conversation was a little devastating, and a lot scary. It took a little while..and some coaxing off the ledge from my wife for me to understand what she was proposing and why. The epiphany moment, however, came when I delved into Fetlife myself and found many things that excited me as well–things which coincidentally complement what my wife wants and needs in most ways.
The moral of that story is that we both discovered that there is an entire spectrum of sex and sexuality out there–acts and experiences far beyond the plain vanilla missionary sex in the bedroom–that we had ignored or pushed aside.
When I look back after the fact, I can see that the signs were always there. We used to do things outside the societal norms, and our bedroom fantasies always revolved around certain themes. I think we both just always assumed that those are just fantasies, though–just stories to be told between a man and a woman in a bedroom in the dark. It hadn’t occurred to either of us that we could actually explore those scenarios and experiences in real life.
The bottom line is that there is no right way. I can’t give you a simple 5-step solution to unlock your sexuality because your 5 steps will look different that my 5 steps. The steps themselves aren’t important. What’s important is that you be open to taking steps, and that you be honest with yourself–and with your partner (or partners)–about what you want and what you need. Give yourself permission to break societal norms and experiment.
If you want a starting point, try this BDSM test. It is not a definitive test and you don’t have to label yourself or paint yourself into a corner based on the results, but it’s a starting point. I also suggest you visit Fetlife.com and set up a profile. Explore the site. I think you will find the range of groups and the array of fetishes available…enlightening. Dive in and find your own “right way”.
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