Dear Scarlet,
My husband and I recently embarked on a new D/s lifestyle. I’m from a very conservative background. My husband is so enthusiastic and wants to come “out” to everyone–but my sister, the only family member I’ve told so far, threatened to call the cops on my husband for abuse! How do I respect my Dom’s desire to come out, while also protecting myself from the judgement and potential fallout from unsupportive family and friends?
Signed,
Let’s Stay In Tonight
Dear In,
First of all, let me say welcome! It’s so exciting when we’re able to find new and exciting ways to express our connections to our partners.
I’m glad that you and your husband have found that D/s enhances your relationship. I know how thrilling it is to feel like you’ve found a new “tribe” and can relate to how eager your husband must be to share his enthusiasm and his new sense of community with the world.
But it sounds like you both are very new to the D/s world. I would suggest that you two start off slowly by learning more about what safe, sane and consensual D/s looks like in practice. It sounds to me like it wouldn’t be a safe choice for you to come out to your family right now. It puts your Dom at risk of unwelcome visits from law enforcement AND puts you at risk of losing valuable people in your lives. Additionally, no matter how deep a D/s dynamic is- even if you two have a 24/7 Master/slave relationship- you still have a right to consent; and he shouldn’t be rushing to make unilateral choices that impact you without your full buy-in.
Submission is sexy, and I totally get how you’d want to let him lead you in this direction, since doing so would please him. But right now, it seems that the risk outweighs the joy. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to get the enthusiastic validation that he’s looking for from coming out to your friends and family; and based on your sister’s response, you have every right to be concerned about your legal and emotional safety if he does disclose your new dynamic.
My suggestion would be to seek out your local D/s community and start attending events that will allow you two to be open about your power exchange without risking your relationships with family or getting surprise safety checks from the police. FetLife.com is a wonderful resource for finding events such as munches, classes, or even play parties, that will let your husband have everything he’s looking for as your new Dom without pushing you to come out before you’re ready. Hopefully by spending time with your local scene, and meeting new friends who share your BDSM interests, you can both have your needs met in a way that is truly safe, sane and consensual.
Best of luck to you!
Scarlet
I like Scarlet understand your D/s lifestyle wants and yes it Is a Need. It is something that is “driving” your passion with each other. And that is an awesome thing.
I have partaken in the BDSM/D/s/M/s lifestyle for over twenty years. Currently living a a D/lg (Daddy/lil girl) (She’s 36) relationship. I said her age so as not to interpret the wrong idea.
So I very well understand the passion in it.
Sadly however, the “vanilla” world does Not understand it. And unless the person you are telling it to has an “open mind”.
They are not going to be accepting of it.
Example, I was raised a southern gentleman. And hitting a woman is NOT in my dna to do. But when I discovered the BDSM lifestyle. I came to understand that I was a natural at a very different perspective. I fell in-love with Flogging.
And when I Properly Learned how to flogg and administer a great flogging. I awakened a passion not only in myself. But those that I played with. And it involved “hitting a woman” ! What ! I hit a woman you ask ? BUT, It was done in an extremely Sensual way.
And as the scene goes on, the flogging got more and more intense.
And Wow ! was it hot !
That’s when I learned that a certain level of pain brings about a chemistry in the body called “Endorphin’s”.
There are many more tools than just floggers. But it’s a good start.
As for my being ridiculed for my involvement with BDSM.
It has came from both my Mother and even a couple of co-workers that I slipped and let know.
But it’s only because they just don’t understand. and nor do the possess the “open mindedness” to want to understand.
And that’s fine.
This lifestyle is known also as “Taboo”
Those that possess what we call call the “kink gene” will love it.
Those that do not, Won’t.
They will actually see it just as your sister did “abuse”
The truth of the matter is, It’s the farthest thing from it.
But they don’t understand it. So they see it as just that.
Sexual freedom entails, If it makes >You< happy, The problem with this is ?
The "Law" unfortunately see's "making physical contact with anyone that Leaves marks" "Assault"
Now you ask, If this is done with me and my Spouse , how is this illegal?
This is what the NCSF (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) call the grey area of the law. A Great group to get to know.
However, The Best thing to do is to get involved with your local BDSM groups. You will find Every single person involved in it has the Same Kink Gene as you ! And it's a place where you can express that kink WITHOUT ridicule or Judgement !
Advice, do be careful as to who you tell about in the "vanilla" world. You will likely get the same response as you did from your sister..
Good luck Flogger Steve